Circle of Life

Losing my Grandfather - Sri Kongara Adinarayana garu

11 years in USA, I'd always dreaded a call from India in off hours in US or India Time. And that call came on Tuesday 06/25 around 4:20PM. My dad told me that Tatayya had passed away few hours back. I took me few seconds for that to sink in. Called my sister and aunt. There's grief, but no overbearing sadness or shock, out of sight, out of mind! At least I found some solace that he didn't suffer long, as this is a sudden demise.

As one of my uncles told me, we had a quiet decade in which we didn't lose anybody close. I lost a paternal aunt in 1996, maternal grandparents in 1999 and 2001 and my Chinnayanamma in 2001. (Grand Aunt in American parlance) I was in college, and those deaths didn't hit me as hard it had hit me now. We're lot more euphoric in teens and 20s.

My grandfather used to visit us in Guntur frequently more times than we went to village. We always liked his company as he always had a tinge of humor and ironical tone. When you grow up in a town, simple colloquial words from village make you laugh out loud. Even words like kalam(కలం) make you crack. Whenever I say subrathiga (శుభ్రతిగ), one of my Tatayya's words, my parents chuckle.

Myself and sister with Tatayya in Paluvayi, 1988

He is a man of big physique and widely respected and well known in our and neighboring villages. The number of people of who showed up for his funeral and other ceremonies showed how revered he was. He had seen many ups and downs in his life. He used to fondly show a watch which I'd sent him to all his friends, relatives and tell them how much it costs. When you come from a farming community and small village, a grandson going to USA for studies, it's a proud thing to tell. Today it feels like I didn't live up to his expectations. But again, I didn't live up to many people's expectations. That's for another day.

I was the first child in my generation in our family and neighboring families with our last name, so I was always special to my Grandfather. Being the first child born in the family after my Great Grandfather had expired, I was initially named after him..
Kongara China Venkayya, Venkata Krishna

2009/12/28 - Paluvayi, Guntur Dt

I never got a chance or moment to just burst into tears and break out loud about his, even though there's a feeling of loss which chokes me. This is my kind of obituary or remembrance.
Whatever we're today, it's because of you Tatayya. We miss you.
Rest in Peace.

Bit of introspective now.
Close friends know me as a cynical person who's always worried about almost non-existential things. Fear of losing a loved one is always in the back of my mind. But last few years, I'd a bubble around me and I'd made a cushy life inside that. Bubble made of Travel, reading Times, WSJ, fb, onion, gawker, online shopping, cars and I rationalized all this with my immigration hassles. Even though I'm self aware of my actions, I'm happy burning my time in analyzing news, making wisecracks in fb and basking in narcissistic glow.

In a way, this brought me back into reality. I don't know how this plays out from here.